I am 9 months into a brand new life: it feels familiar because I grew up 45 minutes away but I haven’t lived here, or indeed in the UK for 12 years.
I am in the midst of a toxic divorce – but aren’t all divorces, toxic, I mean? Otherwise you probably wouldn’t be getting divorced.
So sometimes life throws me a curve ball. Some days are frustrating, relentless, lonely and a little dark.
I wholeheartedly believe in the power of yoga and meditation for balancing the pendulum of life, so much so it is now my job. I totally believe that happiness comes from within and being pretty self-sufficient at it, these dark days were initially extremely disconcerting and consequently darker.
Overtime, I have realized that running away from over-whelming emotions and fears actually makes them worse and last longer. Fronting up to these emotions, really facing them, literally eye to eye actually helps to diminish the power they have and they seem to fade faster. After all what we resist persists. So I try to accept them and that by doing so they usually subside more quickly.
I used to end up down the rabbit-hole in a hateful narrative of self-recrimination and self-loathing. Now I try to channel a whole lot of self-compassion and self-forgiveness and stop beating myself up.
I remind myself, I am only human, in the midst of two enormous life events and a wobbly day is only natural, normal even.
I know from previous international moves, that first year is pendulous and some day’s suck even in the most loving and supportive of relationships. This time I am flying solo and navigating the tricky waters of separation and divorce as well as rebuilding our lives.
This simple reminder and gentle touch reminds me to speak kindly to myself – if I wouldn’t say it to my worst enemy (or for that matter The X) then don’t say it to myself.
Someone once said: be mindful of your self-talk for it is a conversation with the universe.
So I channel acceptance: of myself, the situation, even The X (who won’t ever change). I know that that everything changes and so will this, accepting and trusting that better times are coming.
Then I take it all a step further & channel forgiveness: in myself, in the situation, even in The X (which can be a stretch at times…I am after all only human!)
Every time I do so, I know that thanks to the beauty of neuroplasticity, I am literally re-wiring my brain to naturally take the path of self-kindness, self-compassion, self-forgiveness. That every time I respond and not react, that will eventually be my natural, habitual response.
I try to focus on the mantra: this too shall pass.
Maybe like a kidney stone but it will.
Every situation in life is temporary, the only given in life (except death) is change. Knowing this and gently reminding myself so, is comforting. I know it won’t last forever (even though it sometimes feels relentless, never-ending) and better days are on their way.
And sometimes there is a bit of Monday is the new Friday vibe: if mid-week it’s all spiraling downwards, then it’s an impromptu movie night for the kids, a large glass of vino for mummy and we feel The Force.
Whereas a dark-day used to derail me and make me doubt my meditation and yoga practice and doubt myself, make me fell like I was a fraud. Now I know that was my ego, hanging onto its last vestibule of control.
Mindfulness is not about controlling our mind but stopping it from controlling us. It is all about channeling acceptance, self-compassion, forgiveness, just being and riding those waves.
We cannot stop the waves of life: sometimes they power into us like stormy waves on a rocky shore, but we can learn to ride those waves. And then to appreciate it when the waves are but mere ripples on a pond of calm.
