A couple of weeks ago I launched my business. It had been a real journey of stepping out of my comfort zone: briefing designers on a logo; setting up a Facebook page; working with a web designer on a website; posting flyers through people’s letterboxes; launching a couple of mornings of yoga classes. Finally, the day came when the website went live and the yoga classes started and it was ‘real’.
I knew it would be a slow burn before there was any real momentum behind the classes and the courses. Previously, I have always launched yoga classes within my expat community, where there a lot of trailing spouses with time and money to spare and so they took off fairly quickly.
In the UK, I am an unknown entity. After 9 months, I have only a handful of friends in my locality, most of whom work and aren’t free for a morning of yoga-ing.
I was also launching the mindfulness side of the business, offering courses from a beginner’s guide to mindfulness, mindful parenting, mindfulness for stress, anxiety and depression and mindfulness for divorce. All tapping into my own experiences and what I have learned along the way.
I felt horribly visible. Not only had I shared on the website and Facebook page my journey and therefore put it out there for all to see: my divorce and my own battles with mental health, to lend credibility to my claims. But my face was out there, promoting mindful living on flyers, the website, the Facebook page.
Whenever I stepped outside the door and wasn’t my most mindful self, I felt exposed. Like I was a sham, a fraud and that a spotlight was shining down on me illuminating me and all my failings for all to see.
I had a really pendulous first couple of weeks where I had to constantly remind myself it would take time to build up; we were still not even a year into our new life, there are always rough days in that first year; I was still up to my ears in a messy divorce which was going to add its own stresses and I had just launched a business all within 9 months of arriving.
It actually wasn’t bad going. I had to remind myself to be kind and compassionate to myself.
I also had to remind myself that being mindful isn’t about being perfect. It isn’t about floating around of a cloud of permanent peacefulness and calm chanting omm. It isn’t about never snapping at the kids, or not bursting into tears for no reason, or any of the other bucket load of wobbles I was experiencing.
Mindfulness is more about recognizing the wobbles and acknowledging that I could have done something differently, better even. It is about practicing self compassion, self acceptance and self forgiveness.
And then a conversation with my brother nailed it, whilst making me laugh out loud.
My brother is a dietician and he was driving home from a day of dietcian-ing. He told me how as tiredness was distracting him from the drive, he stopped at M&S to purchase a 4 pack of iced buns…and then ate the lot! I loved that a dietician, who spends his life coaching people on healthy eating had scoffed not just one iced bun but 4 and it gave me a much needed giggle as we reflected on how we are all just winging it and hoping that no-one catches us out.