Christmas is often an extremely stressful time of the year for many people. With many of us cramming in 2/3rd’s of our social activities into the weeks before Christmas, we often hit the holiday period over-tired, over-indulged & possibly even a little over it.
Many of us then return to our childhood homes to spend time with our nearest & dearest. We usually spend too much time indoors, over-eating & drinking too much & inevitably reverting back to our teenage selves. For some reason, when we return home, our parents seem to expect us to behave like we are 17 again & we tend to deliver with bells on! Who hasn’t stropped out of a family gathering channeling their very worst teenage persona & reflected back thinking where on earth did that come from?
Sadly Christmas is often the catalyst for the end of relationships with Relate quoting January as a peak for those approaching the organisation for help. My own divorce lawyer advised me last year to get my divorce paperwork into the courts before the January rush – which says it all really.
And then there are many who are alone or lonely during the festivities, pushed close to the edge or even over it because Christmas cheer just, well isn’t for them.
And so, it seems like Christmas, is the perfect time to start practicing a little self-compassion. For-armed is for-warned & all that!
The harsh parenting style of the 70’s & 80’s which seemed to produce a generation of highly self-critical adults. The problem with being highly self-critical is that by judging ourselves harshly, it doesn’t make things any better. Indeed, it often makes things worse.
Buddhists refer to this as the second arrow effect: not only do we feel bad about whatever it is that has happened that hasn’t quite lived up to our expectations but then if we start berating ourselves, beating ourselves up for ‘failing’ or whatever words of self-recrimination we use, we are in fact triggering ourselves & hurting ourselves again.
So many started embracing self-esteem as an antidote to self-criticism. The problem with self-esteem is that it often means evaluating ourselves positively in comparison with others, often at the expense of others which can lead to narcissism & self-absorption & sometimes even harsher self-criticism.
Jean Twenge measured narcissism in over 15,000 US college students between 1987-2006 & saw narcissism rise by 65%, whilst self-esteem rose by an even greater margin. Sadly self-esteem can be a roller-coaster as our self-worth rises & falls in line with our successes & failures.
Self-compassion however, offer protection against self-criticism without the need to see ourselves as better than others. It offers all the benefits of self-esteem without any of the draw backs. Indeed, self-compassionate people are generally less anxious or depressed because they tend to ruminate less. They tend to have just as high standards for themselves without being so hard on themselves.
So how can we be more self-compassionate? Kristen Neff a leading expert on self-compassion identifies 3 key components to being kind to ourselves: self-kindness; common-humanity & mindfulness.
Self-kindness means literally what it says on the box: being gentle, understanding & kind to ourselves. Treating ourselves as we would a friend. I use the following benchmark: if I wouldn’t say that to a friend, why would I say that to myself? And try to keep myself & my self-talk in check with that.
Basically it’s about becoming the comforter to the one in need of comforting. There is even evidence that self-soothing releases oxytocin, the feel good hormone. This is the antidote to self-criticism which activates the amygdala, that little peanut sized part of our brain responsible for the fight, flight or freeze response.
Common humanity is all about we’re all in it together. Compassion literally means to suffer with. Common humanity recognises these everyone feels unworthy & disappointed; everyone suffers pain; suffering is actually perfectly normal!
Being alive involves struggle & despair as well as joy & glory. It is after all, the unwanted & unexpected parts of our lives that hold such intrigue & interest. Imperfection leads the way for growth & learning. Failure is only temporary & yields wisdom.
The final component of self-compassion is mindfulness. Mindfulness is the clear seeing & non-judgmental acceptance of what is happening right now.
When we allow ourselves to just be with a feeling, an emotion, a thought, a situation. To observe it with a sense of clarity, objectivity instead of getting swept down the rabbit hole of the narrative that accompanies it, we open the door to wisdom.
Just being able to channel that thoughts are just thoughts; feelings are just feelings; it is what it is, we are where we are – this is the beauty & reality of the present moment.
Shinzen Young came up with this equation:
Suffering = pain x resistance
What we resist persists. When we can just accept what is happening as the reality of right now, we don’t have to believe every thought or emotion. This creates a sense of spaciousness.
We have little control over what goes on in our heads, indeed meditation has been described as not trying to control your thoughts but stop them from controlling you. If we simply just let these thoughts go in a friendly, non-judgemental way they are less powerful.
Self compassion frees us to be more compassionate to others. That whole putting your oxygen mask on first idea. Our culture frowns upon selfishness and yet self-care is not selfish. You are in a much better place to help others if you have nourished, nurtured & cared for yourself. Once our own internal reserves are replenished, we have more for others.
Not only does self-compassion free us to be a better place to help others, it actually increases our productivity & we tend to challenge ourselves further. If you fear that self-compassion might lead to complacency & inertia consider this: the opposite is true. For when we are less afraid of failure or even see it as an opportunity for self-growth, then we become free to challenge ourselves more.
And so this Christmas if the social calendar gets overwhelming; if the extended family start to grate; if the over-indulgence & lack of exercise are getting a bit much; or you feel a sense of isolation or loneliness try to channel a little self-compassion.
Remember everyone feels like this at some point, it’s a normal part of Christmas. Do something kind & supportive for yourself. Even giving yourself a little hug will help release oxytocin & make you feel better. Maybe take yourself off for some fresh air, take a few minutes out to meditate or just do something for yourself.
Self-care is the first step in self-compassion. And then if you can take a moment to reflect on how much better it feels to look out for & after yourself rather than thrashing yourself with self-criticism & self-recrimination.
Self-compassion is a vast subject, I can only touch on the bare minimum in a blog.
If you would like to know more or are interested in doing an 8-week mindfulness & self-compassion course email ‘mindfulness’ to alex@myananda.co.uk for 15% discount.