Have you ever felt like there is something wrong with you?
That maybe you weren’t quite enough?
That you don’t quite belong?
I used to feel like this a lot. So I totally hear you!
As a child, I grew up knowing that my mum wanted for 4 boys & instead got me & my sister. I was a desperate disappointment to her because I was simply the wrong sex. But whilst I think she loves me, I don’t think she likes me very much, it certainly didn’t feel like she did growing up.
My mum was very controlling, abusive (in today’s standard). Screaming at & hitting your kid was considered acceptable in the 70’s & 80’s (I say kid because my sister didn’t receive the same treatment as me). I grew up having my every misdemeanor thrashed out on my legs with every syllable like it would somehow make me ‘better’ & feeling terrified of my mum. She’s 76 now & I’m still slightly wary of her.
My Dad passed away when I was 7 so there wasn’t anyone else I could turn to at home. My mum blamed me for everything & thought there was ‘something wrong’ with me. Cue: an inner dialogue of everything is my fault, there is something wrong with me.
Let’s not judge judge her: widowed at 33, 2 kids to bring up & working hard through a recession to ‘save’ their business during an era when no-one spoke about mental health. She was doing the best she could with what she had & I accept & honour her for that.
But my whole life I felt like everything was my fault, there was something wrong with me. It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled upon the highly sensitive person (HSP).
I had tried to read Elaine Aron’s book about the highly sensitive person the previous summer but it had irritated me, triggering me so I had tossed it out when we moved, coming to the conclusion that I couldn’t be HSP if the book didn’t resonate. As I learned more about HSP & did the test online, I realized with a 25/28 score that I probably was – fairly categorical score I’d say! And I’ve repeated the test & got the same score!
Highly sensitive people have more sensory neurons in their brains & tend to pick up on other people’s energy a lot, absorbing it as their own – yup tick.
Their parent’s often think there is something wrong with them – yup tick.
They subsequently feel like there is something wrong with them, they don’t quite fit in or belong & aren’t enough – yup tick.
Understanding HSP has been a really important healing for me. I now know I need to do even more self-care, especially if I am around ‘toxic’ people or in ‘toxic’ situations: more yoga, more meditation, more nature & gratitude!
I am much more mindful of absorbing other people’s energy, cutting those cords & giving that energy back to them, it’s not mine & this has really helped too.
I also now appreciate that being HSP is like a superpower: I’m mindful of other people’s energy & can really feel when something’s up with someone, which can be really helpful when I’m working with clients…I just sense it & if I can guide or help them than of course I will.
Understanding how my brain works & how it is different to others, approximately 15-20% of the population are estimated to be HSP, helps me navigate relationships better, be a better coach with my clients & has helped me heal from the abuse of my past.
And of course my practice: yoga & meditation have given me the space & time to process this. My mindfulness training helps me identify situations & people that previously I would have powered through & apply skills to help me navigate them better (virtual glitter balls, plethora of crystals…my pockets rattle with them when I’m in a stressful situation!) & it also helps me to know what I need to do to care for myself afterwards so I am not triggered or stressed, snappy or irritable because I have absorbed someone else’s energy.
In short, my practices have helped me to realize that I am enough.
Yep read that again: I am enough.
There is nothing wrong with me.
And that I do belong…I’m just slightly different & actually this difference is like a superpower.
This means I am a more intuitive coach, I can sense when something’s up & help guide you through it; I have better more fulfilling relationships & I more mindful in toxic environments to do what I need to do to protect myself.
So if any of the above resonates with you & you would like to know if yoga, meditation & mindfulness can help you drop me a YES! below or if you’d rather keep it private, drop me a PM – I’d love to hear from you & share some of the amazing tools I have learnt from my own healing & journey of discovery.
And if you are interested in HSP, here’s the test, would love to know your scores if you feel like sharing!