I grew up in the 70’s & 80’s, when the parenting style was generally very disciplined, highly critical & often involved lots of shouting & a good clip round the ear (or maybe this was this just our family?). It don’t believe it was an abusive household: it was just a completely different era & my mum was doing her best in very difficult circumstances.
With this as a backdrop, & my own almost daily practice of yoga & meditation, I was keen to develop my own style of parenting & in my quest to do this I discovered mindful parenting.
But let’s get something straight, just because I teach yoga & mindfulness, doesn’t mean I float around on a cloud chanting om, the essence of incense wafting along behind me.
I am human just like everyone else. I’m ashamed to say I loose my sh*t just like every normal parent. I have been known to drop an occasional f-bomb. I should probably have shares in Aldi wine since it is probably the isle I frequent most often. And having just gone through a ghastly toxic divorce (& whose isn’t? They are not designed to be fun or easy, just saying.) & one of the worst years of my life, I haven’t always been the best version of myself.
But this is where mindfulness is so powerful…it’s not about never screwing up. It’s about recognizing when you have & acknowledging everyone does, it’s all part of the human condition & then making amends. Whether that is an earnest & sincere apology or some serious re-connecting time.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone shouting at our kids but we are all human & we all loose it sometimes. But if we put it right, it gives us a chance to model that we are not invincible & how to rectify a situation when it’s gone wrong. Apologize without the but, give ourselves a do-over & repair the relationship… it’s all modeling good stuff.
It shows that we are not perfect & that’s ok, giving our kids a valuable lesson that screwing up once in a while is normal & most importantly, it’s OK. It takes the pressure off them trying to be perfect. It shows we are all human, that anger is just another very normal human emotion.
It also gives us a chance to model self-compassion & self-forgiveness by acknowledging that life is hard, parenting is hard & sometimes we are not the best version of ourselves & that’s ok.
If we yell, this doesn’t mean we are a terrible parent. Most parents who do shout, are just trying to do their absolute best to create great, no fantastic, little people. Sometimes we have high expectations of ourselves & of them. Sometimes we all get frustrated, feel guilty, fed up & over it. By practicing acceptance that parenting is tough it gives us a bit of a break. Sometimes it’s because we trying so hard to not get it wrong, that it actually ironically goes a little well, wrong.
It useful to acknowledge that we are not damaging my kids permanently. It’s all about balance – counter every negative interaction with 5 positives – a smile, a hug, an ‘I love you’, ‘I’m sorry’. These small gestures count & these moments of connection are what kids remember.
And anyway, if our kids never heard us shout, can you imagine shock in the real world when the first person ever yells at them?
I do believe it is possible to reduce the shouting. It involves commitment, a plan & acceptance & forgiveness when you fall off the band wagon. When life is good & we are supported, it’s easy not to yell; when life gets tough & messy parenting gets harder & it’s normal & natural to have a little wobble.
So I thought I’d share a few little techniques that work for me…
- Planning a scream – if we are all feeling the pressure, we have a bug hug & a big scream altogether – it lets it all out & isn’t aimed at anyone
- 3 breath hug – we have a big hug & take 3 long, smooth, deep breaths
- Whisper instead of screaming – the kids listen more because they have to & they don’t want to miss something good!
- Sing it – same idea: singing, ‘I’m getting really frustrated now!’ takes the sting out of it
- Scream at an inanimate object – down the loo & flush that scream away or in a cupboard or into a corner, anywhere except at the little people
- Lion’s breath – this is a yoga pose what relieves tension & generally makes everyone laugh: take a big deep breath, look up then breath out with your tongue stuck out growling like a lion.
The trick with all of these of course is remembering to do them in the heat of the moment! That’s all about changing habits. That’s what takes time & commitment.
We track our Orange Rhino days, the days we don’t shout. Orange because orange is a calming, balancing colour & rhino’s because rhino’s are generally calm animals until riled then, well they’re not so much.
The idea comes from the book ‘How to yell less’ which documents one mum’s own personal struggle to not shout for a year. You’ll find some great techniques in it & experience her falling off the wagon again & again. I once managed 72 days straight of not shouting & one day I will beat that record. She did a whole year. The kids get involved & can call you out if you loose it, try it, it worked for me…well for 72 days! I did say at the beginning I’m not perfect!
I do think the best way to practice mindful parenting is starting with ourselves. Our kids are like sponges, they soak up what we do way more than what we say & they love us being mindful – our moment to moment presence is exactly what they want from us. So here are some more ideas:
- If we use out breath to help manage our moods, reactions & our kids see us doing so, they will start to do the same
- If we single-task & are focused, they will do the same
- If we put our oxygen mask on first they will understand that this is not selfish but is to everyone’s benefit & realize how important it is to honour ourselves & respect ourselves: it’s not selfish, it’s self-care!
- If we want compassionate, caring, kind kids, if we model this behavior first to ourselves & then to others, they will copy it
- If we model balance around technology & screen time, so will they
- If we try not overschedule ourselves & them, prioritizing time for creativity & self-care this will all help them change their behaviour
- If we commit to a few minutes formal practice a day even just 5 mins a day it can have a huge impact & they will start to replicate it too!
Mindfulness is not difficult…as soon as we notice our mind has wandered, mindfulness has returned; we bring our attention to our breath or just allow that thought to drift through our minds like clouds in the sky & we are mindful again! It’s just not that easy, but there are a few attitudes which we can channel that will help:
- acceptance – we are only human trying our best
- self-forgiveness – everyone screws up, apologize, give yourself a break & move on
- playful curiosity – uh oh here we go again I wonder what this is all about?
- kindness & compassion – parenting is the hardest job ever, fact
- nonjudgement – do you know the easiest way to stop judging? Stop judging the judging, let that sh*t go!
- Connection – disconnection drives a lot of the misbehavior, take time to reconnect with your kids, they will love it & love you for it!
I can’t possibly cover all the aspects of mindful parenting in a blog, so if you would like to learn more about mindful parenting over 8 sessions, each 2 hours long please email me at alex@myananda.co.uk for more details.