Lockdown was a struggle for me, as it has been for many.
We moved in with my partner 2 days before they announced the schools were closing here in the UK. It had been planned for months but the timing ended up being dire.
We had no time to work out our new dynamic as a blended family before we were in lockdown.
My partner needed to carry on working, as did his ex-partner (my step son’s mum) & my kids’ dad lives 100 miles away, so I naturally took on responsibility for parenting & home schooling my 2 kids & his son.
The first couple of weeks the kids were feral: climbing on roofs, breaking windows, lying, peeing on trampolines…yes, I kid you not! It was bedlam. So I learnt really quickly we needed a routine: mornings were all about home schooling, the afternoons they were free to play, do what they wanted.
I had dreams of lockdown being a wonderfully nurturing time where we all connected, the kids embraced meditation & yoga, learnt to cook, built a tree house. I soon abandoned these ideals in favour of: we just have to get through this still liking one another!
Initially I was happy to do my bit by being the one at home with the kids but as the days turned into weeks & the weeks into months, I began to feel resentful that the lives of the other 3 adults in our kids’ lives had pretty much continued as normal whilst mine was very much on hold.
With 3 kids around I didn’t have the headspace to focus on taking my business online as many had & I certainly couldn’t service my clients as restrictions began to ease with 3 kids in tow.
Throughout all this I was struggling with my mental health. At the beginning of lockdown I had feared that I was experiencing early onset dementia. Later I discovered it was in fact menopause. I had no idea menopause manifested itself in awful forgetfulness, a real fog. Of course it was a relief to know it was menopause & not something more serious.
I was also experiencing crucifying anxiety. I had never experienced anxiety before. Prone to be a bit of a worrier, yes, anxious, no not me. Suddenly I was experiencing panic attacks which I initially feared was a heart attack.
I discovered that both these are subtle signs of menopause…except they aren’t really subtle, they are very real. I had gone from thinking I was the eternal Peter Pan who had sailed through the menopause: my periods had stopped, I hadn’t got fat & I wasn’t sweating…boom! Nope, I was up to my eye balls in aftermath of what the lack of oestrogen does to almost every system in your body.
I now know that menopause can often be misdiagnosed as mental health issues.
Life was unbearable. I knew lockdown was beginning to impact people with mental health problems & having experienced my own mental health crisis 8 years ago, the signs were frighteningly familiar. But I just couldn’t work out what was mental health, what was menopause & what was me.
I was broken & lost & I just didn’t know where to turn or what to do. I found us somewhere else to live & we moved again, for the second time in less than 6 months. I knew I needed some space to get well & heal. And then I had a breakdown.
My doctor wanted me to go to hospital but by now the kids were back at school & relishing some semblance of normality so I refused & was referred to the mental health crisis team. And so began a long process of referrals primary & secondary care which is still very much in its infancy but which I am embracing with gratitude & open mindedness.
Then my daughter got sick. It was only a temperature, I knew she just had a cold but she wasn’t allowed back to school without a negative covid test. Except there weren’t any available. I literally spent 2 days trying to secure her one & we ended up doing a 4.5 hour round trip to South Wales.
Facing isolation, with no TV as we’d only just moved, barely any food in the house & needing to get a note from the doctor for myself I asked my partner for help. All I wanted was some support & kindness. All I got was anger & aggression. I was devastated, after all I had done for him during lockdown, he couldn’t just help me. I responded with equal anger & frustration, the consequences of which were catastrophic. One day I will share this journey but right now it is too raw & painful.
But I believe everything happens for a reason. I had shattered into a million pieces to allow the light back in.
I had to get very honest with myself very quickly about the nature of the toxicity that our relationship had disintegrated into. I went through the stages of grief in breakneck speed: numbness, sadness, owning it & finally being able to see the humour in what had turned out to be a ludicrous situation.
I felt the feelings, sat with them, cried so many tears of shame, guilt, outrage & heart-breaking, gut-wrenching sadness. I accepted what had happened, my part in it & his. And I accepted all the help that was given to us by amazing organisations & our incredible friends.
I didn’t force solutions but waited for the right answers & to reveal themselves. I got still & silent. I wasn’t always patient but I knew I couldn’t do anything else except wait & see what happened.
When the awful ugly dark thoughts that are characterised by mental illness arose I reminded myself: these thoughts aren’t real, they are not fact, you don’t have to believe them, this is mental illness talking. I had never been able to do that before. In the past I could rationalise these thoughts afterwards but not in the moment. This was a first & it was a real break through.
I practiced & practiced but not in the manic way I’d practiced during lockdown. During lockdown I practiced from fear, that if I didn’t it would all go even more t*ts up than it already had, but in a gentle, kinder, more compassionate way.
And I tried not to beat myself up. Yes, I absolutely took ownership of my part of the fiasco but I didn’t allow myself to wallow in those unhelpful thoughts of: this is all your fault, you’re not good enough nonsense. I treated myself like a would a friend: this is hard, it’s ok to feel like this, you’ve got this.
I embraced the journey, knowing I would learn some amazing lessons from it. I turned to some of my favourite teachers to remind me of what I needed to do or be.
One friend/teacher advised me that narcissists are attracted by our light. This was a relief, I had wondered why I hadn’t seen it coming. I grew up with a controlling narcissist. When I understood that dynamic I realised with horror that I had married the same. After doing everything I possibly could to salvage that relationship, eventually I left. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to become entangled in another toxic & damaging relationship. Why hadn’t I learnt? My friend’s comment made me realise it wasn’t all my fault. Another revelation.
I realise that knowledge & understanding isn’t enough, healing from this kind of experience is necessary to avoid get caught up in something that feels like love. It feels like love because that is how love was presented to me as a child, it feels familiar & safe but of course it isn’t.
It has only been 3 weeks since I had my breakdown but I already feel so much stronger, I have learnt so much on this journey already. I know there is still so much healing, growing & learning to do. I know this is the breakthrough moment I have been waiting for. I am excited about what is ahead. I know things will get better. I am inspired about what I have learnt already & what is still to come.