The last few months have been a real lesson for me in learning to let go.
In Autumn of last year, I realised we needed to move house, downsize & reduce our costs. On the back of relocating from half-way across the world & settling ourselves into a brand new life in a brand new town in a country I hadn’t lived in for 12 years, with the backdrop of a toxic divorce permeating our lives, in all honesty the very last thing I wanted to do was to move house. Or any of the other big stressful life events.
Then a good friend from Bangkok reminded me that I have moved so often, I can do this in my sleep & just like that I let go of the resistance I had towards to move.
Yes it was stressful, moving always is. But we did it & within 2 weeks everything was unpacked & where it should be & it was home. It is a warmer, cosier & cheaper house than where we lived before. It’s not so noisy & as we are testing out village life. There is no light pollution so the stars are amazing & almost always catch our attention when we arrive home on a cloudless night.
Exactly 2 weeks after we moved in, I could feel the weight lift from my shoulders, it was palpable. The negative energy of the previous year or so, which I associated with the old house, was gone. This is our sanctuary: we are safe & we are loved. It was a beautiful place to be in as we headed towards Christmas.
And then after New Year, the weight around my shoulders had returned. Lots of our lovely friends sent loving Christmas cards full of goodwill & cheer & hope that 2019 with be YOUR year! Oh my gosh the expectations I put on myself on delivering an amazing year, worthy of all their best wishes.
I felt that I had to really focus on growing my business & sorting my life out, getting that wonderful relationship & striving, striving striving.
It was a little overwhelming, actually a lot of overwhelming. I was frantically manifesting this amazing life which is an oxymoron in itself. You can’t frantically manifest because that comes from a place of fear & doubt instead of love, light, joy & abundance.
But the thing is, I know how powerful this s**t is. When I knew we were coming back to the UK I visualised a beautiful home & amazing schools for my kids & within 2 weeks of the decision had both in place. (Anyone who has relocated back to the UK from overseas knows this is no mean feat!).
So I knew I couldn’t afford to not be manifesting…but if it comes with the wrong energy, it doesn’t pan out as you expect. You end up with all the things you don’t want, not the things you do! It’s crazy s**t this manifesting, crazy powerful s**t!
It took the arrival of my decree absolute to shake me up. I knew it was imminent, I didn’t realise it would be so soon but when the kids went back to school, I got an email from THS (for those who don’t know who this is: The Handsome Solicitor, him of the chiseled cheekbones) saying it had been processed by the court.
Wow! I was delighted! What a wonderful start to the new year. What a great indication that yes, 2019 was going to be MY year.
Then 2 days later the decree absolute arrived in the post…& I promptly burst into tears. I wasn’t expecting to feel such anticlimactic sadness. The thing is, I am completely at peace with the divorce: I fought long & hard to salvage a broken marriage so by the time the decision to separate was made, I knew there was no other way & that it was without doubt the best for all parties.
But the other thing is I had underestimated every step of the process. I thought the decision to leave would be the hardest, then I thought moving to the UK would be the hardest part but every major milestone floored me in a way I had not expected.
My brother even asked me at Christmas, ‘Did you not just expect that it would be awful?’ No, really I didn’t, I thought the awful bit was already done. But I have no first-hand experience of divorce. Divorce is rare in the expat world & everyone in the UK I knew who had got divorced did it before I arrived in the UK…I was massively unprepared for it.
So of course it goes without saying I was unprepared for the arrival of the decree absolute. I thought I’d be elated, delighted. Yes, there were of course tears of relief & a sense of freedom (at last) but also very real tears of sadness, the end of a chapter. Whilst it is still the right thing for all involved, we created two amazing kids who are my inspiration everyday & we had some grand adventures, so it wasn’t all bad.
But here are two lessons: first expectations. Those little blighters will catch you out. Nothing ever turns out or lives up to our expectations. So expect less & accept more & wow you’ll see & feel the difference.
The second was a huge wake-up call to let go. In the midst of the tears, I realised the enormous pressure I had been putting on myself to succeed & achieve & create this amazing year, when no one was expecting anything from me, expect me.
This year is already shaping up better than last year & whatever happens with my business or my love life, it will be undoubtedly a better, easier year & that is simply good enough.
I realised that I hadn’t taken a very valuable & necessary step back to reflect on just how far we had come over the last 15+ months: we have a beautiful life in Evesham with some really wonderful supportive friends; my business has already evolved beautifully & organically in the last 9-10 months & would continue to do so if I just let go; we are blessed with a happy, healthy life full of love & laughter.
After everything the last year or so has thrown us, now was not the time to strive frantically, now was the time to reflect & let go. There’s been enough stress, I am totally deserving of a few weeks of just being, letting go & allowing it all to evolve, naturally, organically. And so that’s where I’m at: letting go for expectation, letting go of striving; it’s the time for reflection, acceptance & gratitude, time to let go & just be, we’ve earned it.
OMGosh this is hard though. Even though I wrote this blog yesterday & believed every word of it, today I woke up in a real fug. January blues are hitting hard. I fought it all day until I finally got to get out in nature, that marvellous leveller & reflect here is another lesson on letting go: let this grotty day just go, for what we resist persists. Just accept it as one of those days & know that tomorrow will be better, it always is.
