Yesterday I watched Davina McCall’s fabulous Sex, Myths & Menopause & reflected on my own experiences of menopause. I felt inspired me to share as I feel as strongly about breaking down the ridiculous taboo’s surrounding menopause as I do about the equally ridiculous taboos surround mental health.
If you haven’t watched it, whether you are menopausal or not, male or female it’s worth a watch. Even if you aren’t menopausal, if you are a woman it is highly likely you will be at some point – more than 90% of women experience menopausal symptoms. If you’re a fella you may well be rubbing shoulders with someone who is struggling with the menopause, a sister, a mother, a colleague, friend, partner or lover & some compassion, understanding & empathy is just what we’re desperate for.
My own experience with the menopause was terrifying & confusing. An eternal Peter Pan I was in denial that it was happening to me. I am someone who in her head thinks she’s 25. I still get shocked when the hairdresser makes me laugh & I catch the reflection in the mirror in front of me: that’s not me all 51 year’s of laughter lines & lived experience flashing across my features.
Anyway, back to the menopause. We moved in with my partner 2 days before lockdown was announced last year. Suddenly we were not only navigating the hugely tricky waters of blended families, which was much harder than I had ever anticipated but amidst a global pandemic, lockdown & home schooling. It was intense.
During this time I was struggling with awful brain fog & memory problems. My partner would start telling me something following on from a conversation we’d had the day before & I would just look at him blankly having absolutely no recollection of the previous conversation. He would revisit the original story & 99% of the way in, just as he was getting to the punchline, the clouds would part & a glimmer of recognition would flicker, ‘Oh yes I DO remember.’ I’d say delightedly but destroying the punchline & the moment. It was hugely frustrating for both of us.
But behind the scenes I was terrified. I was terrified that this was early onset dementia & that in no time at all I wouldn’t be able to remember my kids’ names, my name, his name & he would be stuck with us all. I confessed this & he said, ‘Don’t worry you’re so good in bed I’d keep you around even if you couldn’t remember who I was!’ He was joking & part of me was chuffed – I’ve still got it (although I think he may have meant I was good in bed because I didn’t steal the covers?) but it wasn’t actually the reassurance I was craving.
I had no idea it could be menopause. After all, although my periods had stopped I put that down to the coil. I hadn’t put on weight & I wasn’t sweating. I had none of the typical symptoms so it never crossed my mind. Anyway I was Peter Pan wasn’t I?
My brother is a dietician & specializes helping menopausal women manage their weight so I confessed how I was feeling & he immediately diagnosed it as menopause. He runs a group on Facebook so I tuned into some of his FB Lives. I have to confess I was a little reticent, after all would it be weird watching my brother talk about menopause? Watching him in a professional setting, talking about something so, well intimate & feminine.
It was the complete opposite – he was engaging, knowledgeable & so welcoming & what was discussed felt so familiar & recognizable. I started talking to friends & realized many of them were also struggling with similar symptoms: dreadful brain fog & memory loss, mood swings, tremendous irritability, over-reacting & going from 0 to 100 in a nanosecond & a overwhelming sense of not feeling like myself. It horrendous. I remember confessing to my partner that I wasn’t living, I wasn’t even existing, life was a living hell, absolutely unbearable. I was miserable.
I investigated going down the herbal, holistic route but decided that some flower petals just weren’t going to cut it. Fortunately my doctor is totally on it & prescribed HRT immediately. Suddenly I had HRT in my hands feeling very unready, unknowledgeable & unprepared. I think I waited for a couple of days before I took the plunge & started taking them.
It can take awhile to get the dose right & the even the combo (there are over 50 different combinations available) & you have to give it a few months to take affect. In the meantime, unfortunately my symptoms got worse: I started having panic attacks. I have always been a bit of a worrier but I have never described myself as anxious.
I remember vividly the first time I had a panic attack I thought I was having a heart attack, it was horrifying. I am pretty healthy 50 year old, after all I teach & practice yoga everyday, take long walks daily, I’m healthier now than I was 20 year’s ago, so I knew it couldn’t be a heart attack.
Then someone sent me an article about the link between menopause, caffeine, alcohol & anxiety. I was hardly drinking by this time because it just made everything worse – my filter was off & I just completely over-reacted to the smallest thing if I had even one glass of wine but I knew if I was having a bad day I would tend to drink more coffee than usual so I switched immediately to swiss water decaffeinated coffee.
I had absolutely no idea that what can sometimes be described as ‘the subtler signs of menopause’ are indeed menopausal symptoms. For me they weren’t subtle at all. They were terrifyingly real & were destroying my life: I felt broken, lost, stuck & completely unrecognizable.
I also had no idea that these ‘subtler’ signs are often worse in the perimenopause & often misdiagnosed as mental health problems & therefore treatment is all wrong.
I had really miss informed ideas about HRT & was initially incredibly reluctant to go down that path. The links to cancer have been miss reported & things have changed dramatically in the past 20 years. In fact, because oetrogen affects literally every system, every cell in your body, the impact on your body of no oestrogen is enormous & the risks & impact of no oestrogen in your body far outweigh any of the risks of taking HRT, especially if you go for body identical treatments.
If you think about it, 200 years ago we rarely lived over 50, so our body didn’t have to provide oestrogen beyond that point. Our environment has changed unrecognizably in a really short amount of time & our body’s simply haven’t had time to evolve & catch up. Also the menopause affects pretty much every women, at least 90% of women & yet we’re not talking about it. Why aren’t we talking about it? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s happening to pretty much everyone of a certain age. And for some women it happens earlier in their 30’s & 40’s.
Something else I learned recently is that dementia is one of the highest killers of women of post menopausal age & beyond & that way more women than men struggle with dementia. And scientists are beginning to make the link between oestrogen or lack thereof & dementia. So taking HRT starts to become a bit of a no-brainer…for me at least.
So I urge you, even if your periods haven’t stopped, you haven’t put on weight or aren’t getting hot flushes but you are getting any of the following symptoms contact your doctor…
…brain fog & difficulty concentrating
…memory loss
…anxiety
…mood swings or changes
…irritability & a unreasonableness
…urinary tract infections
…difficulty sleeping
…night sweats
…reduced sex drive
…vaginal dryness
…itchy/dry skin
…hair loss, weal nails
…reduced muscle mass
…stiff joints & muscle pain
…weak bones
But be mindful, not all doctors are switched onto the menopause. Don’t be fobbed off with, ‘well it’s menopause you just have to get on with it.’ Insist on seeing the menopause specialist in your surgery or area. If they mention hormones tests, don’t waste your time: your hormones change hour by hour let alone day by day so there is simply no point in measuring your hormone levels because what’s your baseline to compare it to if it changes all the time?
And I didn’t realize this until recently, even when you do find the right combo & it can take a few months to do so, be mindful of your symptoms & behaviour. I noticed a few months ago that I was reacting & more irritable than usual. Then became aware that I wasn’t sleeping well & when I did I was waking up with night sweats. Then I noticed my hair was falling out when I washed it by the handful & my nails were splitting & breaking off. I didn’t realize the symptoms could worsen even on HRT. But they can as your own natural levels of oestrogen take a nose dive again. So I went back to the doctor & we are now playing around with the dose of a new body identical oestrogen gel.
Most of all remember that you are not alone, this is happening to millions of women all over the world. Talk to your friends, you’ll be surprised how many of them are struggling too & there is some comfort in being in it together. And ask for help – go to your doctor & don’t give up until you get the help you need & deserve.
I am grateful for my menopausal experiences now. They were devastating at the time: they cost me my relationship (we ended up moving out 6 months later); I ended up having a complete breakdown that was catastrophic (police, ambulances, social workers involved) but we got through it all. If anything it was a massive catalyst for the breakthrough I had always been seeking.
I credit my yoga, meditation with a life changing bounce back. I worked really hard, I won’t lie, I threw myself into what I call The Work: spiritual work, self-development, the healing, growth & transformation that was absolutely necessary.
I can honestly say I am happier than I have been for many many years. I do wonder if my mental health problems I experienced after my daughter was born, if in fact they were undiagnosed perimenopause. In many ways it doesn’t really matter, what matters is where we are today – that was the journey I was meant to go on & we are where we are. And where we are is a happy place and a much healthier place.
And it can be the same for you too…let the menopause be a period of transition, growth & healing that takes into the best years of your life, because you deserve it!