I first starting practicing mindfulness & meditating, (al beit sporadically) over a decade ago, whilst I was being treated for severe agitated depression when we were living in Germany. I now believe that this diagnosis was possibly mis-diaognosed as peri-menopause (but that’s another story).
My journey into meditation & mindfulness was self-led. I’d read 10 mindful minutes by Goldie Hawn to introduce more mindfulness into my kid’s lives. So I knew it would be helpful for me. I started meditating & slowly my mental health started to improve.
When we moved to Bangkok, I met my dear friend, Violaine, a practicing Buddhist & meditation teacher. She became my meditation mentor. I studied & practiced meditation with her for 2 hours almost every week.
It was a revelation. She is guided me through all the pitfalls of my own self-led practice, taught me how to do it (although it’s less about doing & more about being), helped me navigate the obstacles.
I learnt 2 profound lessons during my time with Violaine: you don’t have to believe everything you think. Our thoughts are just thoughts, not necessarily fact & they do not define you.
Wow, that was a relief! We can all fall foul of being saboutaged by our inner critical voice – mine was brutal. Layer on the ugly, insidious thoughts of mental heath (or lack thereof) & that dialogue in my head was not a pleasant space to be.
This insight almost gave me the permission I needed to let go of those unhelpful thoughts. I started to acknowledge the ugly, unhelpful thoughts & I would just stop & remind myself if I wouldn’t say that to a friend I wouldn’t be saying it to myself. Overtime that inner critical voice has quietened.
Violaine also said, “It is a work, Alex, it is always a work.”
And it is but oh my gosh it is so worth it!
I absolutely loved living in Bangkok for many reasons, one of them being seeing the monks every morning on their daily alms rounds. They were a beautiful reminder to take a moment to turn inwards & I was grateful for that.
I also discovered that the Buddha ordained temples were not for the sake of worship but instead a reminder of our own Buddha nature, we are all inherently good, loving & kind. It helps to cultivate that all important self-compassion. I just love this concept.
When we moved back to the UK over 4 years ago it was because my marriage was over. Our nomad life (when we arrived in the UK my son who was 9 had lived in 4 other countries) was over & it was time to settle.
Settling into any new country is hard, layer on a toxic divorce & as the autumn night’s started to draw in I began to miss our spontaneous, social, fun life overseas & feel sorry for myself.
Then I had an idea: I thought about Rumi’s quote – it’s all about perception!
If I think things are going to be cr*p, then damn sure it will be because that’s what I’m looking for, so that’s what I’ll find.
But what if I think it’s going to be OK, good, great even?
And so I decided to do that just shift my perception…and nothing changed…but everything did.
What a great lesson.
Now I am human like everyone & I feel off the band wagon more than once & forgot this beautiful lesson. Whenever I needed a reminder it would emerge & reveal it’s self & over time this shift in perception became more habitual, I didn’t have to keep reminding myself to do it.
All the time I continued to practice meditation pretty much daily & the same with mindfulness. One of my favourite daily mindful practices is to go out for a walk, just me & the dog, no phone, just us & nature. I absolutely relish it. It’s my happy place.
I had my first ever panic attack on a dog walk, I literally thought I was dying & didn’t know what on earth was going on. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was terrified. At the time I was cycling 20-30kms a week, doing yoga, I couldn’t’ve been fitter at 50. So I just couldn’t believe it was a heart attack.
I was beginning to realise that the chaos of the previous year or so wasn’t because I was going mad, like I thought but was more likely caused by the menopause. I thought I had sailed through the menopause because in my head I was Peter Pan. I was in denial. Big time.
So I started investigating my symptoms, talking to professionals, other women & friends & realised it wasn’t just me & I probably wasn’t going mad, it was probably menopause.
I briefly considered going holistic & investing in some flower petals to solve it…but I was so lost & so broken, I felt like I was drowning or suffocating that I realised a few rose petals was just not going to cut it. In the end I resorted to HRT (again that is another story).
But I also realised I couldn’t heal & get better in the environment I was living in which had become really toxic & unhealthy, so we moved again (for the 4th time in 3 years). And so began the recovery which has evolved into an amazing journey of self-discovery & spiritual growth. And now I feel better than ever.
But I digress. I was beginning to think what I had experienced on my dog walk had been a panic attack because I’d experienced more & talked to friends. One shared an article about the links between alcohol, caffeine, the menopause & anxiety. I barely drank anymore…one glass & my filter was right off & things were fragile enough. So I ditched the caffeine & had another aha moment: I had had a panic attack. And it was fuelled by the menopause.
So using my mindfulness training I started to recognise the physical signs my body was giving me when the anxiety started to rise. I was particularly mindful not to drink coffee to exacerbate it. I would ground myself, connecting my feet into the floor to centre & balance myself physically. Then I would gently challenge my thoughts & remind myself: this is just menopause, it’s not real, this is just anxiety, it’s not real, it’s not real until I felt calm.
And I only had to do that a couple of times & my panic attacks were over.
And that is the power of a mindfulness practice. All those frustrated meditations at the beginning when I thought I was doing it wrong, all the times I thought I was failing, I was learning & when I really needed it I had the answers & could solve the problem.
Sadly, the menopause being what it is, the anxiety passed but now my happy place was being sabotaged by suicidal thoughts. I would stand by the farm gate onto the bypass that ran alongside the fields willing myself to step in front of a lorry. I felt a failure & didn’t know another way out.
Thankfully again a logical, mindful voice of reason would remind me: these are not the thoughts of a happy healthy mind, these are the thoughts of an unhappy, unhealthy mind, no need to act on them. I did not or indeed I must not believe everything I think. And I would not only step away from those thoughts in my head & become more of an observer to them but I would also literally step backwards & walk away those mindful words reverberating in my head.
And again I repeated this process several times & I just stopped doing it or even thinking about it.
And all this was possible because as my practiced developed, I learnt more & grew but I kept practicing even if I didn’t think I needed to. And as my practice evolved so did a much more profound conscious awareness of how I was feeling, what I was thinking, how I was behaving & being.
I believe thoughts are energy. So it makes sense to me to be more mindful of my thoughts & the quality of them because only I can change the way I am thinking. And in changing the way I am thinking, this changes the things I am doing & how I am being. This has changed my life.
And yes 18 months or so ago I would have said I was broken. But I have learnt so much, healed, transformed and now I feel better than ever. I am grateful for my meno journey for it broke me into a million pieces to allow the light in, to quote another Rumi fav & make space for this growth & healing.
And you know it is possible for you to learn how to bring a more mindful approach into your life & to learn how to meditate & how these beautiful practices can literally change your life in the same way they have & continue to change my life.
To find out more about the brand new Beginner’s insight into meditation & mindfulness course just email me at alex@alexbannard.com
