We are bought up in a culture that frowns upon selfishness & as a result we generally tend to put ourselves right at the bottom of our list of priorities. Especially as busy working Mum’s, our needs rest well below those of our kids, our partner, even our boss.
But I think doing this can be a dangerous strategy. When I was diagnosed with severe agitated depression when my daughter was a toddler. I really had no idea what it meant. It was explained like this: your cup of coping is full to the brim, it doesn’t matter whether it is a drop of water than spills into that cup or a bucket load, it will overflow & you will loose it.
And that was such a good way to describe it. I remember screaming at my husband when I was at absolute rock bottom & the worst version of myself I could imagine: It doesn’t matter if you don’t take the bins out or have an affair, my reaction is going to be the same, my cup is full & I can’t take anymore.
Ha, it’s no surprise we ended up divorcing!
And so began my journey of self-discovery that included self-care.
Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is a necessity. Remember the advise to put your oxygen mask on first in the event of a mid-air disaster? Why? Because we can’t help anyone else if we haven’t sorted ourselves out first.
We cannot be the best version of ourselves, if we don’t give ourselves the respect we deserve to do something every day that we love to do, just for us.
When we take care of ourselves, we are in a better place to take care of those around us. We are not so resentful of the time we spend attending to our kids’ needs if we have taken a little time to attend to our own.
The beautiful thing about self-care is that it doesn’t have to be hours of self-indulgence. Just allowing yourself 5-10 minutes a day to do something just for you will rejuvenate & refresh you, nurture & nourish you.
It may be that you love having a cup of coffee first thing in the morning, on your own in splendid solitude, before the rest of the house wakes up.
It may be finding that happy place, walking the dog & so you always go out without your phone, so you can’t be interrupted.
It may be turning up the music in the car when you are driving along alone & singing your heart out.
I try to spend 10 minutes everyday meditating. This really works for me. It helps me stay peaceful & calm. The kids know if I am meditating that only death or dismemberment are due cause for disrupting it!
That might sound selfish but I am a better Mum when I have taken this time to nurture & nourish myself: I’m more patient, more present & more giving of my time because I have done what I need to do to keep me happy, healthy & sane!
Self-care is not only about doing something nice for yourself, it’s about being kind to yourself. We are generally our own harshest critics but imagine if we could stem the flow of that inner voice that says those cruel things but stopping it in it’s track just by saying: would I say that out loud to my worst enemy (or ex-husband?!)? So why would I say that to myself?
Self-care is also about channeling some self-compassion & acknowledging when times are tough, saying calming & reassuring words to ourselves to calm ourselves, becoming the calm to our own internal storm.
So next time you notice yourself berating yourself, just stop & remind yourself that you wouldn’t say that out loud to anyone else, so you are not saying it to yourself & then offer yourself some soothing words of kindness & compassion.
And take a few moments to write a list of all the things that bring you joy, that make you feel blessed, happy & grateful & then choose sometime in your day to put yourself first & do it. It is a marvellous way to model to our kids & partners that we value & respect ourselves enough to nourish & nurture ourselves. It will help them see that they too should do the same for themselves & it will no doubt give them a timely reminder that we are worthy of being given the space, time & respect to indulge ourselves a little because we know we are worth it.