It is fair to say that I have under-estimated every stage of my divorce. I thought deciding to call time on our marriage would be the worst bit. Then when I decided the kids & I had to return to the UK, I thought this was the worst bit. Every new hurdle or milestone since has threatened to over-whelm & engulf me. Every time I think surely it can’t get any worse. Of course, divorce is not one of the most stressful life situations for nothing.
So when the date to exchange Form E’s (Financial Disclosure) loomed & the final furlong seemed upon us, I knew to expect the absolute worst. Even though I was bracing myself I didn’t anticipate that the X (this is blog about mindfulness & yoga, so we won’t share his actual nickname!) would actually just miss the date. A date defined by the court no less. I was staggered, stunned. How on earth could they just not submit in time? Well they could & they did, with no recourse or repercussions. It is apparently, not uncommon.
When I finally picked up the wad of documents from THS (always to be referred to as The Handsome Solicitor), I noted it was a smaller wad than I anticipated. ‘Oh’, said he of the chiseled cheekbones, ‘it’s larger than I expected.’ Gulp.
Of course I was expecting an element of duplicity and not unsurprised to see the disclosure was patchy at best, despite there being over 170 pages of finances. I was however, shocked to discover vast quantities of money leaving the bank at an astonishing rate.
Still I was optimistic that the court hearing, just over a month away, would be what’s known as FDR (Financial Disclosure Resolution). That we would finally come to a financial settlement after months of acrimony.
Although I had been bracing myself for the worst, when I received an email from THS basically saying FDR in a month or so was highly ‘unrealistic’, I was gutted. I had another sleepless night, was snappy & teary with the kids before they went to school & felt broken the following morning.
My initial reaction was to give up: I had no fight left in me. I just wanted to move on, closure. I long to be the best version of myself again & to return to my more usual present, engaged parenting style. I am only too sadly aware that there are times when the relentless solo parenting & the ghastly toxicity of the divorce mean I am not always the positive or mindful parent I endeavour to be.
You see, just because I practice yoga, meditation & mindfulness, it doesn’t stop epic life events knocking me for six just like everyone else.
The disappointment that I had a long battle ahead & that I would need to reach deeper inside for yet more resources to get us through this, was overwhelming.
I didn’t have the headspace to get still & quiet & practice yoga or meditation, despite knowing it would help. I decided to get out of the house. Away from the imposing pile of paperwork & out into the great outdoors.
Nature is a brilliant leveler, a great place to return to your self, to come back to the here & now & to process stuff; it is grounding to be be out in the great outdoors.
So the dog & I headed to a nearby village & set off up Bredon Hill. The sun was the shining, the wind was blowing away the cobwebs. We were surrounded by the stunning Cotswold’s countryside & the sound of birdsong filled the air. We walked for 2 hours: me, my dog & I.
And it did the trick. After a cheeky cider in the pub at the end…well it had been a rough morning after all…I returned determined & resolute that the attempts to control, manipulate, bully & intimidate me would not work.
It was a timely reminder of the power & beauty of nature, of its healing power. It reminded me how much I appreciate the accessibility we have to beautiful walks & to channel some gratitude for that.
It was a reminder that mindfulness isn’t always about sitting on a cushion, feeling peaceful & calm. Sometimes it’s about accepting a bad day for what it is & working out something which may help. About finding an inner resolve & fortitude to power through the next stage in our journey.
And knowing whatever happens, a long walk & getting back to nature is as powerful as any formal practice.
