My meno journey has been an unexpected spiritual journey. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s to trust the process.
I have been called to practice, teach & share more heart centred practices in recent weeks. At the weekend I tuned into some letting go teachings by John Newton. During the 2nd group practice I experienced a deep, heavy, density around my heart associated with something I knew had been triggering me. I breathed into it & was reminded that I am exactly where I am meant to be & the sensation lightened & started to rise up, pouring out of my head. I knew I was being called to get out of my own way.
I felt different too – a deep sense of connection.
When this morning the old unhelpful narratives were triggered again, I knew I had more work to do. So I dropped into my heart space, breathing into the sensations there & releasing them. Then I took the dog out for a long walk to centre myself in nature’s healing embrace.
I have been retrospectively reflecting on my peri-meno experience. Mindful that I wasn’t really aware I was in the menopause until I was actually up to my ears in it, I wondered if my meno journey so horrendous because I hadn’t had the time or space to do the healing in peri-meno, because I just didn’t know that was what was happening to me.
I had my daughter when I was 40. When she was a toddler I was diagnosed with severe agitated depression & hospitalised. We were living in Germany at the time. I thought I was a cr*p Mum, that I was letting everyone down & failing terribly.
It was only when I started to put what had been going on into a peri-meno perspective I could finally let go of that unhelpful story. Releasing it is so liberating.
I had been a peri-menopausal woman with babies & toddlers, no wonder it was so messy. But I hadn’t processed it at the time so no wonder the menopause was even more messy. The Universe does love to keep giving us the same lesson, upping the anti til we do the healing.
I know I’m not the only woman whose peri-meno symptoms were misdiagnosed & with more women leaving babies until later, sadly I won’t be the last. How many other women are struggling feeling totally overwhelmed by motherhood because they are being sabotaged by their hormones?
I asked the fabulous Kate Coddrington for her take on the merit of retrospective reflection on our peri-meno years if those years passed you by in a blaze of chaos & self-loathing. What she said made me cry – probably the best indication there’s more work for me to be do there then!
I wasn’t consciously aware I was on this journey at the time, so I am mindful of not making the same mistake going forward. So I am confronting the reality: I am no longer in the winter hibernation of my menopause, since medically this is defined as the 12 months after your periods stop. I am stepping into my second spring of post-menopause.
Thing is, I just don’t feel old enough to be post-menopausal. I still think I’m 25 until the hairdresser makes me laugh in front of those huge mirrors & the laughter lines prove me very wrong!
So it’s taken me a few weeks to really embrace this. But my body’s giving me some big hints.
After feeling like I was ready to emerge & could feel my energy rising I then felt a deep desire to retreat. Like I’ve popped my head up out of the clouds & oops, yep that’s enough, pop back under then for a bit longer.
In Kate’s book she uses the butterfly analogy for the Second Spring – a butterfly sits in the sun allowing its wings to dry after it emerges from the chrysalis.
That’s how I feel but rather than powering through like I may have been inclined to do before, I am listening to what my body & mind are calling me to do – retreat, process & sit in the sun drying my wings!
I’m trusting the process.
And just the peri-menopause, the second spring can take several years of adjustment. That’s why it’s worth investing in giving yourself the space & time to emerge when you’re ready.
Discovering the seasons of our life & applying it to my own meno journey I can put things into perspective, let go & release old narratives that don’t serve me anymore, whilst making space to transition into the next phase.
It’s messy but it’s supposed to be. Transformation & change is messy. Like Rumi says: the wound is where the light gets in. But I can see this now.
I am exactly where I should be right now because I am being me, giving myself the space & time to heal & that’s enough, that’s a real gift.